You know what I’ve always wanted? A reusable, electronic condom that tracks when I have sex, how I do it, and for how long, and uploads it to the internet for everyone to see. Said no one ever.
Still, a company called i.Con is coming out with just that: a “condom” (more like a cock ring) that measures and records a bunch of data about you and the things you do with your penis, and uploads that very personal information online. This device that no one asked for is called Smart Condom.
Smart Condom is basically a Fitbit for your dick, and tracks your personal sex metrics, including:
- The number of calories you burn during sex
- The speed of your thrusts
- Total number of thrusts
- Frequency of sessions, a.k.a. how often you get it on
- Total duration of sessions, a.k.a. how long you last
- Average velocity of thrusts
- The temperature of your penis
- Your girth
I’m not sure if I should be laughing at how unnecessary this contraption is, or if I should be terrified that someone, somewhere, wants to collect this information for whatever reason. I mean, what will you gain from learning the speed and velocity of your thrusts? What could you possibly do with that information? Make a graph? Jesus H. Christ.
If you’re absolutely titillated by physics and want calculate the acceleration of your penis moving towards a vagina, or the torque of your balls or something, you can sign up to pre-order a Smart Condom for only $73. What a bargain!
But my opinion still stands—an electronic condom that measures everything about your penis is really weird idea. Sorry.